Around August of last year I wrote a suicide letter to my family, friends, and the world. I was going through some extremely heavy emotional trauma that I truely believed I could not not bear any longer. I felt like everything I worked hard to set in place to provide myself stability was stripped from me. I lost a good job. I lost more money than I ever had in my life. My marriage, which was already on the rocks was failing miserably. Even after numerous attempts to rekindle an already dead flame, I acted out my unhappiness with infidelity after making up my mind that I needed to be a good husband regardless of how unhappy I was. I was honest and faithful for a time period but because I subconsciously believed that I was only good for sexual escapades I fell and cheated again. During that low period I found a sense of belonging between the legs of a woman. But really I was ashamed. Lost. Naked. Bare.
I look back on my experience in a lifeless pit then and how I sowed so much bad seed amongst the people around me. I masqueraded like I had it all together or like I wasn’t spiraling downward slowly. I completely hid the fact that my self-esteem was so low that I put myself in situations that would have and should have never occurred if I only knew who I really was or who I would become. I disappointed so many people watching and encouraging my progress. Most importantly I let my kids down.
A few months ago I went back to Ashamed to the Point of No Return Part 1 after a long while of fear and embarrassment and read that letter and shared it with the love of my life. After reading the whole letter, shedding a few tears, and thinking for a few seconds she said, “You know what? The man that wrote this letter IS dead.” She stopped for a few more seconds, smiled and said, “This person; the liar, the cheater, the manipulator; all those bad things the man in this letter admitted to doing isn’t the man I see in front of me. I’ve never met that man. He spiritually died and resurrected into the man of my dreams.”
I see myself completely different from the boy of last year. In less than one year, I’ve found an inner strength and beauty that cannot be moved. I walked into a “Season of Instruction” which at times is very difficult to be under; but I’m willing to accept the correction and reap the benefits of a corrected son. I’ve walked into a new type of love and happiness that’s unconditional. It cannot be taken or stripped or stolen. Despite all the material and worldly things that were given, taken, damaged, or destroyed, even as I write this, I have this inner peace that everything will work out just fine. Things lost or damaged will return; they always do. To go from wanting to escape my precious life by taking it, to accepting my faults and correcting them I have built up my self-esteem with a solid foundation with the guidance of Our Creator and leaders in my community.
The poetry, the documentaries, the television or newspaper interviews, this blog, the love you experience when you’re in my presence or hear my voice, the insight and ever growing perception of our world wouldn’t be possible had I not committed suicide last year. None of it.
Some of the painful events that happen to us are part of our life’s journey to get where we need to be. Other’s occur because of costly decisions we make in which we have no foresight of what is to come. Whatever the case know this… God has a plan for you. If you delay it by being stupid, He will force you back on His designed path until you figure out that the gifts given to you are not for your greed or what you think you want. My purpose in this life is not to be rich; if it happens so be it. My purpose is not fame or glory but if that happens, I’ll learn to handle it. My purpose on this Earth is to bring the word of God that He has for me to speak to a lost and dying people; even through my hurts, pains, mistakes, triumphs, or victories that He allows you to see in my life’s walk.
Whether through love, activism, knowledge, or correction I speak truth given with different perspectives. Whether you agree or not, offended by it or accept it, love it or walk away from it, you cannot unsee what you just saw. And I stand behind the words He’s given me to speak. Now go back and look at the catalog of poetry, blogs, quotes, or videos and tell me any untruths…. if there are i’ll correct them but I doubt you will find them.
I was recently cleaning out my bookshelf and ran across a book given as a gift from my ex-wife called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I’ll admit I haven’t read it yet, but I did read the cover which says, “How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.” It spoke clearly to me now after months owning it because that during that suicide attempt I was completely vulnerable. Naked. And I allowed WordPress (although probably not the best idea at the time) to witness it. The author of this book is correct in that being vulnerable didn’t just change me, it transformed me into a new being, to the point where I refuse to go back and dig up the man I was before. I had to bury my past to get to where I’m destined to be.
I thank my past relationship for the book, it has finally been received well. I release Peace, Blessings, Prosperity over her and my beautiful children.
And thank you all for listening.