It took a while for me to even get to this point, to where I can have an open conversation with you. And because you’re not able to hear my voice or see my face or witness yourself in me, it feels a bit…. false.
But at the same time its freeing and its easy to say what’s on my heart without fear or condemnation. Without your expectations defining what I want you to hear. For the longest that’s how I felt. I didnt grow into the man I needed to be because I wanted so badly to live up to what you thought I should be, or what you thought I should do. I wanted so badly to hear “I’m proud that you’re my son,” and that I “made it” in your eyes.
I understand now that some of the things I did as a kid and growing into a man disappointed you. I understand now that your fear for wanting me to be a man in this chaos we call our world led you to do things that you probably regreted later. I understand now that your pride in our heritage created a gap between us and made it more difficult for you to understand my mentality, my struggles, my standpoint or even strengths. I understand that your childhood and your difficulties growing into your own as a man molded how you thought I should be. And in understanding these things it helps me understand what I always wanted to know about you, but never took the chance to ask. Even when you opened the door.
I was scared….. scared to find out who I really was then by asking you, the man of my origin, who you were. What you were about. What you believed. I was scared to peer into my own self because I wasn’t ready to see you. Because my perception of you was one sided and I didn’t want to be identified with you… or who I thought you were. So I denied you. And in denying you I didn’t realize it then, but I denied myself.
And I lived with this void, for a long while to try to find my origin. It wasn’t a spiritual void. It wasn’t a void of love. It was more so a void of belonging to something. Or more so belonging to someone who holds the story of my origin. Its hard to build with no foundation. Its harder to start your own legacy, like you did here, than to build off of one already started.
I know these things now and I respect you in a different way now then I did before. Instead of looking for your approval, I just live. Instead of fearing your condemnation, I remember your lessons.