The Moment Before I Cry

And it comes….. that feeling that my chest went straight to hell. That feeling like my lungs are forcing air through my throat. The wieght of my tongue is unbearable. My mind is telling me to “Stop!! Suck it up!! Men don’t cry.” A feeling of embarrassment fuels my emotional state. I think about my situation. Why I even have the audacity to let my emotions get the best of me. I’ve been here before. I’ve been in worse than this. There’s someone out there existing right now this second in a situation i couldn’t hold a candle to. So why am I about to cry? These questions flow through my thoughts, even with the heavy heart,  even with the sweat on my brow and water rushing to escape my tear ducts. I ask myself why? How did I get here. In this bathroom? On this stall? In this situation? Alone. Helpless. Defenseless. Emotional to the point where I am about to let go and cry. Why?

……… Because I hurt. And when I dont want to complain to someone who’s going to tell me what i dont want to hear, and I don’t feel like guzzling a liter of Svedka, or watching my problem escaping through the lit end of my blunt or watching a film that will take my mind to a place far away from where i am…. this feeling of, “Im about to cry.” hits me. I don’t want a hug. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to escape. I just want to…. cry. And maybe my delimma will miraculously be over when I’m done.

It sucks so bad. It hurts so much. But as a man, we “can’t” express that emotion. Its taboo. I’ll be a “bitch” or a “punk” or whatever term  that can imasculate me to the point where i will always feel ashamed to show emotional pain without aggression. So I let society get the best of me. And I mentally wipe the tears that never appeared away and tell myself whatever was bothering me isn’t that serious. And I will live another day.

Inside Nianda Speaks

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6 thoughts on “The Moment Before I Cry

  1. You’re a human. And every human hurts. But I feel you, I’m a female but I’ve been brought up with the mentality to not show emotion or cry, because I’ll just be a “cry baby” if I do so. So I’d tell myself it’s not that serious or I’ll brush it off. Same. Exact. Thing. But you know what, keeping it in will only damage us more in the long run. We won’t be happy, most likely bitter. So let it out in the comfort of your home 🙂 And let me just tell you this: you’re not alone, you’re really not.

  2. “I never seen a man cry until I saw I man die”, is a lyric from rapper Scarface. This is the mentality that is instilled in us from an early age. As the youngest of 9 children, 8 boys and 1 sister I was always told that crying, especially for a man, was unacceptable. I was in my 30’s before I ever saw my father cry…and it was at a funeral. Now that I have a son of my own I’m trying to avoid teaching him that crying is a sign of weakness. I would rather he express himself through words instead of tears but its a learning process for both of us.

    • That’s real. We gotta get out of teaching our boys not to cry. Its hard to look at my son crying and not think he’s whining. Especially when its something I considered to be little or not worthy of a cry. I guess I counteract it by letting him see that I check my daughter the same way. But in my own thoughts I wonder if my method is ok.

  3. Even though I’m in a tough struggle at the moment, this post was meant more for an insight to a man’s thoughts just before a cry. Society’s image of a man crying is a negative one masked by the token, more “acceptable”moments a man should be able to cry, and lot of women wonder.

    I personally don’t think anything is wrong with a man crying. I think part of being emotionally stable is being able to show pain in a non destructive way. We currently have a lot of emotionally unstable men walking around even though women are labled as the “unstable creatures.”

    Men are praised when they show signs of aggression, but crying or weakness is just unacceptable. I think its strange when women say they think its ok for a man to cry, but use his that against him when they’re angry. Yes! This does happen.

    Men crying is a societal issue that starts from when we’re babies and carries on with us until adulthood. And because we weren’t taught that its ok, we grow up witht the stereotype thinking its not.

    I was once told by Mr. Aaron Wooten, co-facilitator of the Father 2 Child program and personal mentor, that to be emotionally stable you must make yourself emotionally vulnerable. But don’t be dumb about it though. Because we encounter problems when we make ourselves emotionally vulnerable to people who aren’t emotionally stable themselves. How can you expect to have peace in thst situation?

  4. Although specifically a man crying can be defined by so many as a negative thing, I think in this aspect you should be glad that God gave you the strength to be able to speak on it. ourselves and be able to overcome fear or ridicule from others. Our strength lies within ourselves and I myself am a person that is learning this as we speak. From my point of view, society views a man that is crying to be a man that is vulnerable and this is why it is unaccepted in many ways. Personally I think a man that is crying is someone allowing themselves to let go of emotions period and point blank. In in today’s society there are men that are feminine acting or emotional wrecks even. Upon reading this I didn’t take that or gather that about you at all. You seem very masculine and in control of your feelings you are expressing yourself so don’t feel ashamed, it is a good thing! I think you are a person that has a very intricate mind and has a lot to say in a positive and productive way for the world. Keep writing you’re going to inspire many as well as yourself!

  5. Crying can be a form of releasing a persons feelings. It’s no different than working out to release feelings, but for many, especially men, crying is viewed as weakness or someone is crying because of sadness.

    People cry tears of joy everyday. People also cry for no reason (pregnant women). When I was a little girl I was told when it rains God was crying tears of joys. Or maybe He simply wanted to cry. Sometimes after a good cry, you pick yourself up and u carry on stronger and better. That’s what crying is for… Releasing yourself, allowing yourself to be an infant for a few moments. To be taken from the stressors of our everyday lives because the most peaceful times are when we are infants which is one reason God encourages us to be child like again. I encourage us all to cry again.

    Be encouraged.

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