Are Black Women Expecting Too Much? Part 1

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Are black women expecting too much from black men? From the standpoint of the Youtube video provided, HELL YES!! But I don’t think all black women think the way that computerized one does. But I do think black women have flashes of that mentality. “I’m a God fearing woman and I follow all of the Bible.” Like the male character said, what about the part that speaks about the submission to your husband?  “I need a man with 6 figures…” but in the next sentence she may say she’s independent.

I do ask myself sometimes what’s really gotten into our women. But if we question our women’s intentions, we also have to question what’s gotten OUT of our black men. And I think that’s where the problem lies. It starts with us men and ends as a whole.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having expectations and standards. We all should have standards when it comes to looking for your life partner. But they should be reasonable. And I’m in no way saying women need to lower their standards when meeting someone, but we all should understand the difference between initial standards or moral qualities and tentative qualifications. Your initial standards can be basic things like a job, a car, education, those are things that a man should have or be working towards at least. Initial qualities are personality traits or characteristics a man should have like respect, chivalry, a sense of security, emotional stability, etc. As for tentative qualifications, these are things he may or may not have and if he doesn’t have he has the potential to gain. things like the a 6 figure salary, or the college degree, etc. These are things that don’t make the person who thy are and shouldn’t make or break involvement with that person. If one of your initial standards is a man with a 6 figure salary and you wonder why you’re single….. THE PROBLEM IS YOU!! You should reevaluate why you need a man with that type of money. And insecurity on his part because you make that much and he doesn’t shouldn’t be an excuse. No one (white, black, male, or female) with money wants to be with someone long term who’s priority has anything to do with their money. Qualifying someone by the amount of money they make to most people is a serious red flag. Especially when its a requirement you don’t have. For instance you don’t have but you require the other person to have. Most of the time when a requirement is set by the person that doesn’t have that same qualification it’s for they’re own personal gain. Financial or not. Later I plan to speak on the value of money and what it really should be in our lives.

For men, we dropped the ball and never regained it. So the idea of a good successful black man has changed to everything we have to fight long and hard to attain. That’s not an excuse. The black tax has been there since black people gained their freedom. The problem is we keep focusing on the hardship circumstance instead of accepting it and fighting forward. We are the warriors and leaders who have been demoralized into do-nothings and thugs, men who think its OK to be taken care of. Its a shame when a pimp has respect in our society. We get blinded by the cars and clothes and wanting for nothing but when you analyze the essence of what a pimp is… he (there are female pimps too but for the purpose of discussion… he) is man who is taken care of financially by a women. Black women are watching this and the downward spiral of black men and have tried their hardest to stand by us. But the opportunity arose and the conditions were set for them to pick that ball up and run with it. And they soared to new heights. Taking the proverbial ball to heights where white men have gotten. You cannot for a second knock their hussle. So you can’t knock them either for wanting to maintain the accomplishments they’ve achieved. We have got to stop crying about what we don’t have or how hard it is to meet black women’s standards and start fighting to meet them. And our women need to understand that what our white peers have we fight twice as hard and may need assistance attaining them.

This topic is just another issue that divides our families and communities. And it needs to be discussed because more and more people are saying “forget black men” or “forget black women” and interracial marriage is on the rise. Nothing is wrong with interracial relations at all. You have the right to be with anyone of your choice. But to say that black men or women will never get it together so I’m crossing over is just wrong. Because we as a people will gt it together with the help of one another. But to break each other down into a class system based on money, or education, or haves and have nots within our own people and say well I’m too good for that or I’m no good for that will keep us in the stagnate state we are in.

There are a lot of different variables that are involved in this topic and I may have missed some things when discussing it. There isn’t a one size fits all to this situation. Everyone has different reasons why they can’t land they’re life partner. I used salary as a main example but their are all kinds of reasons why this topic comes up. I’d like to hear yours and any comments you may have.

This is the 3rd installment of Inside Nianda. Please comment, share, like. If you’re not a member of WordPress and are compelled to comment, email your comment to me and I’ll post it in its entirety just leave your name and location (city and state). My email is mmnianda@gmail.com. Thanks for reading. I hope it sparks major debate and alternative thinking.

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4 thoughts on “Are Black Women Expecting Too Much? Part 1

  1. This is something that I have grown up with. Luckily, my parents schooled me well and I was somewhat prepared going into my adult years. I think the mainstream media has a lot to do with this crisis that is happening to our black people (also people in general as well). Women are more independent and successful than they’ve ever been (arguably) and at the same time some women still cling to the age old “the man takes care of the woman and the household” mentality. At the same time, you have a LOT of men who have grown up without a father/father-figure and they have no idea what it means to go out and pave a constructive and positive pathway in life. It also handicaps their growing experiences in dealing with women. Growing up without both parents is an epidemic that is plaguing out black people, especially my fellow black men. There is just a lot of mixed up ideology and methodology being used and thrown around and it is toxic to our relationships.

    Women who want to have their cake and eat it too are nothing new under our sun, but again the media has injected growth hormones into that problem and caused it to swell exponentially. I do believe that a lot of black women have what I like to call “cookie-cutter lists” for the men they dream (because usually such men are non-existent) about. Even worse, when they happen to find that exceptional guy (there is always an exception to the rule) that embodies that laundry list of qualities, they get irate when he has other women dangling on the line. Men who possess something that almost every woman wants has access to almost every woman. Men who are tall, good looking, wealthy, and exciting/fun have the attention of a multitude of women for those very reasons. So like I say to all sisters (and women alike): when you find that guy that you created on your list, be prepared to wait in line, especially if you don’t yourself have what’s on that list. I do think that women who search for a man to take care of them and finance their futures are setting themselves up for failure, because the man who will do both of those things generally has some serious flaws that they are hiding. I think it’s vital for all woman (especially black ones) to be independent and look for a man to add to what they have, not supply what they don’t and over compensate for their deficiencies. Finally, some black women shun black men who aren’t “typical” and who don’t fit the stereotypes (more like caricatures) of the black men that are all over TV for the most part. I personally had this issue growing up. I wasn’t a thug or a genetically gifted athlete, I was a smart dude who kept to himself and had goals. But I wasn’t particularly exciting and/or fun (according to black females I dealt with during my high school and early college years), so I was passed up. Now that I am older, the same kinds of females who passed me up earlier in life are looking for guys such as myself. They want guys who are calm, educated, financially stable/independent/efficient/etc, and who don’t have a lot of baggage. However, a lot of these women want men like myself NOW because they are older and have been mistreated by the black guys that they thought they wanted. So while they do see the “light”, they also have baggage that comes from their past experiences, which is all too often emotional/trust issues and/or children.

    All this being said, I think that black men are to blame for a lot of the “craziness” that black women exude. The generation before ours was rife with black men abandoning their responsibilities and creating a divide between black men and women that is all too evident today. You have rappers now and other celebrities having babies with numerous women and the women accept it because they are essentially guaranteed monetary compensation and fame. A lot of black men have abandoned black women after souring the proverbial relationship by: calling them “bitches and hoes” frequently, not fulfilling their duties as men and part of the leadership team of the household, abandoning their children left and right, and genuinely treating black women disposable toys. After all of this, black men run to other races because they are more docile and more “accepting”. Again, you have celebrities marryiny, chasing, and “cuffing” any race of women but black and flaunting it. Nevermind the fact that these other races of women would only deal with a black man if he has lots of money or fame to offer. Sometimes these women just want “the black experience” and these black men are too blind to see it. Black men definitely have a lot of blame to take ownership of when referring to how black women act today, but black women have to to take their share of the blame as well so our communities can grow strong again.

    Lastly, I think black men have to start raising their sons again and stop letting black women do that AND keep the family together.

    • Well said. You hit a lot a good points I think we all needed to see. Black women’s expectations whether high or low can be attributed to some degree to the media and how we’re portrayed. But as men we validate the what’s being said about us by our immaturity.

  2. You made some valid points and I agree with most of them. Women began having standards a few generations ago. After seeing momma and daddy together for 15 years and daddy never had to marry her. Momma never had that as an expectation. When my generation and the one before me came along we began to create list (which was not the best thing to do) but we thought this would stop us from being with a man for 15 years and taking care of him. This is when The BMW method first took place.

    BMW- Black Man Working. That was all you had to have in order for us to marry you. The generation before mine had this mentality. When my generation came along we seen that have a BMW was not working for them, so why would it work for us? He would have a job and still have kids on the sides, treat you bad and discourage you. This is when “The List” mentality came into play. We thought that if we made a list it with weed out the bad. After years, we’ve discovered this doesn’t work.

    All of this is to hopefully stop us from being hurt, but setting standards do not prevent us from being hurt. A rich man can hurt you just as much as the next man.

    Our first impressions of a man should be our father, but most black women do not have one and if they do that man is not living inside the home.

    My hope is that the next generation can make up for the generations before them and see that our methods failed us. So instead, let’s judge him off of his qualities (as you stated). My rule is–pick three qualities you cannot compromise on and see if that works for you. He may not have a degree, but he can work until the sun rise. He may not have much money, but his sense a humor is worth a million more. Thankfully, I found this in my husband.

    Be Encouraged Mulemvo.

    • Thank you for those encouraging words my lady. No I don’t have a million dollars in the bank but i will put in the work to be financially secure. And I’m glad you see this in me and are working with me to get our family where it needs to be.

      You see…. success

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