To no one in particular…
When I was your man I made you laugh. You would slightly grin at all my jokes, even the corny ones. It was kinda awkward that you made it known I could have you that early. All of you. But I played it safe; I kept it cool. I actually liked you and you liked me. We talked about dreams, our futures, our careers…. Picket fence around a 4 bedroom house with a garage and 2.5 kids. When I was your man you would make little gestures, or drop clues that I would pretend to not get so I could play innocent for that moment. Because for a second, maybe even 3 minutes, I thought about what it would be like to be with this you forever. To spend my days with this you. Chatting. You listening to me talk about whatever ideas about whatever things I wanted to do or ways to make a buck because in my mind you wanted someone with stability. With a plan. When I was your man you wanted me to succeed because you knew if I made it, WE made it. You knew that even though I told you I wanted to get to know you that if you helped me reach those dreams of mine, if you helped me with my plan towards a stable life for us, if you helped me succeed, then I would share my life with you. When I was your man all that mattered to me was you and your security. All that mattered was our plans for us.
When I was your man, you would talk to me, not at me. You would make me feel like I was wanted. Like you actually wanted me to be around me. And the sex….. was like our bodies knew exactly who the other was. All that mattered was making sure you were happy despite how I felt. Despite what went through my mind of the grass being greener or how young I’m supposed to feel and be, your happiness made me happy. Your smile made me smile. Your joy made my day.
When I was your man, the little things you did would please me. The way you touched me told me you loved me and how you knew I would love you forever. I would listen to you snore, and because your rested in my arms it sounded like soft playing music on a rainy day with the blanket up to my chin. When I was your man, how you saw me meant so much to me. And I wanted to be the man who you saw me to be. I wanted to be as strong as 10 men. I wanted to have the inner strength of Confucius, Jesus of Nazareth, and the Dali Lama combined, maybe with a touch of Mohandis Gandhi. I wanted so badly to be sensitive; so badly to be assuring and reassuring. I wanted you to want me.
When I was your man I wanted to be vulnerable and to feel protected; because relinquishing my “manhood” was such a difficult feat, I wanted to know that it was safe with you to hold, to keep, to handle with care and give it back to me intact when I ask for it back without using it against me.
When I was your man, I saw you as my queen. Someone to treat royally and not take my kindness for weakness. I wanted us to set standards because I was your man. I felt like a trailblazer, a trend and goal setter. A peacemaker. A revolutionary. A protector. Yours.
When I was your man, the sky was the limit. I felt like a firework and you were my destination that I would burst into and fill the night sky with my amazing beauty.
When I was your man… I was, am, and will be… me.